New Year Superstitions: which one is for you!

I've heard some pretty crazy New Year's superstitions. 
Have you heard the superstition that says not to do the wash on New Years Day, because then a relative will be washed away within a few months (in other words die)?
You must know the superstition that says the first person who walks into your home after the stroke of midnight on New Years will be the most influential person of that year to you!  Or perhaps my favorite: the superstition that tells us to open all of the windows and doors in our homes to let the old year out.
Perhaps some of you will be sage brushing at the stroke of midnight.  Sage brushing is burning the sage plant to smoke out bad spirits from a room or area.  I know that many of you will kiss your lover to guarantee another year together.  Reality is it is very superstitiously important to spend time on the eve and day of the New Year with your most loved people.  On the other hand, superstition also tells us to carve out some time for work on New Years Day, as it guarentees prosperity for the New Year. 
My friend Xavier says that every year at the stroke of midnight he takes all of the cash in his pocket and gives it a big wet kiss!  According to Xavier, every year since doing this routine, he's become more prosperous.  He's aquired more property and gotten more job opportunities.  His superstition has worked for him. 
Have your superstitions worked for you?  If you don't have a superstition already then get one!! Try it out - what could go wrong?  Just dont break a mirror!

Get Some Gratitude with Trista Sutter's Happily Ever After

We first met Trista Rehn a decade ago when she was a contestant on ABC's then-newest reality show - the Bachelor. Unfortunately, the Bachelor (Alex Michel) did not give Trista that final red rose and she left the show in tears. "I had gone to LA for an adventure and ended up with a broken heart" she writes of the experience.
Though, fate would have much greater things in store for her. She received a phone call from the show's producers pitching her a spinoff show - with her as the Bachelorette, handing out red roses to men vying for her love.
One of those contestants was Ryan Sutter, a similarly down-to-earth firefighter from Colorodo. Trista felt an instant connection with Ryan and eventually gave him the final rose. Trista and Ryan famously tied the knot on TV and the rest is history.
Still married (and now a Sutter) and a mom of two young children, Trista offers inspiration and insight to readers through her book, "Happily Ever After: the life-changing power of a greatful heart."
Trista writes the book like a friend giving a girls-night-out night-worth of great advice. Just as friends do, Trista gets personal with readers including stories about her problems with infertility and backstabbing co-workers (who seem to be extra ruthless in the entertainment business).
Throughout the book, Trista sprinkles quotes from some very inspiring people, including Ghandi, Mother Teresa and even DJ Run DMC. Trista tells readers she keeps a journal of her favorite quotes and when a new quote crosses  her path she jots it down in the book.
When Trista announced she was writing the book to her family and friends they embraced the idea and gave her tons of insight into thier reasons for gratitude and appreciation. One particularly touching annecdote tells of her friend who goes into her son's room each night at bedtime and counts thier blessings using the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling (one blessing to be said on each star).
Even after celebrity and fame, Trista has remained down to earth. She has the same hopes fears and desires as readers. She reminds readers to tell loved ones, "I appreciate you". She shares her beliefs on the universe offering us possibilities and destiny.
This is a wonderful book of advice and for getting to know Trista Sutter and ger family a little more. I would say definitely pick up a copy and send Trista a message telling her your #favpartofday on Twitter. Read the book and you will understand!

Mystery Michigan Student Spreads Message of Action

A high school in Canton, Michigan recently held a ceremony to induct some of its brightest students into the National Honor Society. One student (whose identity remains a mystery to us thus far) was chosen to represent his class by delivering a speech that turned out to be so touching, moving, and poignant that I've written this post to share the information with you. This speech was simple - not at all complicated in its message and yet it is so true that we have no choice but to accept its message and pay it forward. Spread the word!

This message was passed on by a father who attended the ceremony who called his sister in New York (who is my friend) who told me. Quite a game of telephone tag! However the POINT hasnt been lost in translation.

The message is:
Keeping up on your studies is important. Having a good academic record will help you along in life but more important is your involvement in other activities.  How do you stay involved in your community? Are you an active participant in your life and community?

We all have great ideas that we believe could change the world. We have ideas to help society or to help ourselves get rich or to help our friends become successful.  These great thoughts translate into the words that we speak. "I'm going to cure cancer" and "I'm going to make a million dollars" and "I'm going to make a difference" we say.

Once we get the idea and we say the words - we need to walk the walk. We need to show we are serious by the actions we take.  "I'm going to make a million dollars but first I need a good job that pays that type of money."

The actions we take are what builds our character. If we do nothing we've said we are going to do then we are bullshiters. If we do make that million dollars by working our way to the top then we are strong characters with great work ethic.

Our character is what will create our legacy.  Our character will be what we are known by to our children and grandchildren. "You got your great work ethic from your grandpa Fred" they will say.

To my friend that passed this speech along to me the message is "to be all that you can be". I agree. I think the message is that we should strive to be known by the good things we do. Our intellegence needs to be put to good use. Or even more so, our intellence needs to be used - it needs to be acted upon.

This mystery student in Michigan likely didn't realize his ideas would be pondered all the way here in New York. I hope he takes the wonderful words he used that day and acts upon them to create a character and legacy to fit a true visionary - which through the right actions he will surely become.

Christmas Tidings from London to Long Island

Annabella (my daughter who is pictured above) received a wonderful gift this Christmas from her godfather, Ian who lives all the way in London, England. 
It was on the night of Christmas Eve that we heard a knock at the door.  We rose from our seats at the kitchen table and went to see what was going on outside.  I opened the door and saw three brown packages, delivered by Fed Ex.  We peeled the tape on the largest box and revealed a royal blue bag with something inside. It was the pretty pink princess house pictured above!! A palace for modern day princesses!
I thought, who could this be from?  Low and behold it was a Christmas gift sent all the way from London, England to my daughter on Long Island.  Ian wanted to be sure that Annabella knew he was thinking of her on the first Christmas of his godfather-hood so he went on the computer and picked out a gift to send her.
We are so lucky to live in a time where we can stay in touch with the people we love over the holidays or at any time.  Whether through the computer or a letter or visiting these people by way of a jet plane - it is wonderful that we can stay so connected. 

Have Fun, Connect and the Rest will Come

Today I received some words of encouragement from one of my favorite authors, Jillian Lauren.  I'm truly beaming like a movie star at the Academy Awards over this correspondance. 
As an author, Jillian Lauren is very inspirational to me.  She has an amazing life story which she wrote into a best-selling memoir, Some Girls: My Life in a Harem.  She also authored a beautifully written fiction story, Pretty.
I have been following Jillian ever since Some Girls came out and last week I finally felt the need to tell her how amazing her story was and how she continues to be an inspiration to me.
In the e-mail I also told her a little bit about my story: having everything, losing everything, being a single mom, being an aspiring writer, being a former journalist, eating disorders, panic disorders and everything in between.  I also mentioned this blog seeking out some advice because Jillian also maintains a very popular blog about motherhood and life in general. 
Apparently she read my e-mail (all few thousand words - lol) and had some words of encouragement for me when she was done... 
In regard to my pipe dream (this blog) she told me to have fun, connect with people and the rest will just come.  I think this easy, free, real, raw statement is true for everything in life.  All we need to do is have fun, connect with the people we love and everything else in the world will come. 
Today I'm taking this statement as my mantra.  As long as I'm having a good time and making the connections I need to make, good things will happen. 
Thank you, Jillian!  You continue to inspire!

To-Day To-Do

To-day I choose To-do. 

My life has become like a strawberry-banana-kiwi smoothie at Jamba Juice.  The days blend into one another like fruit and cream and I'm left with nothing but the sweet aftertaste of a week gone-by. 

I can't help but wonder what happens to these days that we happily throw into the blender!  I'm talking about the days we spend in our pajamas.  The days we don't brush our teeth.  The days we choose to watch an all-day Law and Order SVU marathon.  The days we say "I'll do that tomorrow".  These "smoothie" days seem to happen more often than I would like. 
It is already December 16 - half a month has gone by.  I open my calendar and take a look back on the two weeks I've had to progress and change and move forward in this last month of 2013.  What do I find? Nothing.  Blank space.  No doctor's appointments scribbled in the margins of my calendar.  No playdates penciled in with Jillian and Dylan.  Nada.
All 16 days go into the blender to create one very creamy smoothy! 
I've wasted these days not only because I spent many of them in my pajamas but also because I'm not accountable to myself.  I have no record of what I've done so there is no way I can track my progress, change and forward movement.  Even the smallest accomplishments of a day can be measured throughout the month to make progress.  For example one job application a day for 16 days is nearly a dozen and a half job opportunities sought in the course of a month.   
To-day I chose To-do.  I have written each accomplishment of today down so that I can track my progress in January.  I have one month to see how far I've come.  Already checked off for today: car cleaned, four doctor's appointments made, playdate set.  It feels great to put those actions down on a list and say "I did that today." 
Next on the agenda - a ice cold Bahama Mama smoothie from Tropical Smoothie cafe.  For some reason I'm craving blended ice, cream and fruit.    

The Pursuit of Happiness

The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_happiness.html#UEsqrmRO8P5USsJ7.99

The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_happiness.html#UEsqrmRO8P5USsJ7.99

Benjamin Franklin said, "the Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness.  You have to catch it yourself." 

The truth is, happiness needs to be pursued constantly because once its caught it gets thrown right back. 

I find that the mood I wake up in does not have to be the way I feel for the entire day.  If I wake up sad, I certainly don't have to stay that way.  I could make my daughter laugh (that certainly puts a smile on both of our faces). Or I could go for a walk.  Or make a hot breakfast. 

And if I wake up happy - for whatever reason - I may not neccessarily be happy for the entire day.  Something could take the wind from my sails.  An overdue bill (ugh, the worst).  An unwanted phone call.  An unfullfilled expectation.  Whatever the cause.  Happiness needs to be maintained throughout the day.

Happiness needs to be pursued like an owner looking for their lost dog.  Smiles and laughter need to be hunted like a lioness hunts her prey.  If I don't hunt for and seek momentary bits of happiness throughout the day, I'm left with the moods that others provide for me.  An angry customer service representative from Verizon - anger.  A sad commercial about abused puppies on tv - saddness.  A bitter barista at starbucks.  A melancholy teller at the bank.  A middle-finger wielding driver on the road.  Depressed, depressed, depressed!!

Just smile!  When someone gives you a reason to cry today, smile instead.  Just like anger and sadness, happiness is contagious too!  So laugh at every joke and smile at every middle-finger wielding maniac on the road today.  It is your right to pursue happiness - so go do it!

 

RIP Nelson Mandela

Words Like Freedom
by Langston Hughes

There are words like Freedom
Sweet and wonderful to say.
On my heartstrings freedom sings
All day everyday.

There are words like Liberty
That almost make me cry.
If you had known what I know
You would know why.”


Rest in Peace, Nelson Mandela. 

I remember first hearing of you when I was in fifth grade or so.  I was so young then.  I couldn't understand the gravity of the words our teachers used to describe you: courageous, educated, hope, love, freedom, liberty, and progression. 

I couldn't grasp the impact you had made on the world.  I didn't yet see that you were a visionary teaching humankind a huge lesson - that it is our duty to stand up for what is right and just.   

We were told that you had spent nearly three decades in prison, fighting to end apartheid.  But I had barely been alive for one decade so I couldn't comprehend what all of that time would have felt like - unjustly incarcerated.  The long endless days without your wife and children.  A dwindling but always present hope of a freedom that would take so long to come.  I didn't realize the private agony you must have felt when you found out your mother and 25-year-old son had both passed during the years you were in custody.

We learned about apartheid.  We were taught that whites and blacks were not equal in South Africa.  It was a hard pill for our young minds to swallow.  We simply couldn't believe that there was still a place on earth so racist and unjust - hadn't Abraham Lincoln taken care of all of that with the Civil War? 

I was too young to fathom that racism was still alive.  I was too naive to really get that you and your associates were working tirelessly over decades to end the cruel reign of bigotry that had rooted itself in your beautiful country since before even you were my age. At the time I lacked the understanding that the fight was over in 1994 when you won the South African Presidency.  That year, my classmates and I had unknowingly witnessed one of the greatest moments in history - your election.  Though, at the time I was just a young woman who thought that some "old man" had become President somewhere in "southern" Africa. 

Your vision, ideals and eternal love will be missed here on earth.

Below is an excerpt from the Freedom Charter, which was written by the original "Congress of the People" who were later disbanded.  This charter became a symbolic beacon for what Mandela and his associates would later accomplish:
"We, the people of South Africa, declare for all our country and the world to know;
That South Africa belongs to all who live in it, black and white, and that no goverment can justly claim authority unless it is based on the will of the people;
That our people have been robbed of their birthright to land, liberty and peace by a form of government founded on injustice and inequality;
That our country will never be prosperous or free until all our people live in brotherhood, enjoying equal rights and opportunities. 

Christmas for the Broke Santa Claus

Just when we think we're about to make ends meet somebody goes ahead and mentions that Christmas is around the corner.  That's what happened to me this morning when I heard Mariah Carey's salute to the rich man's holiday with "All I Want for Christmas is You" - Mariah, I'm sure that's not really ALL you want.  You want the fairytale Christmas - the handbag, the earings, the perfume all wrapped neatly in a bow, nestled comfortably in a heap of cotton snow under the tree.
This year we need to stretch our dollars and we need to do more with less.  But can Christmas be done on a budget without whispers of "Scrooge" or "Grinch" forever becoming attached to our name?  I believe so because, after all, its the "thought that counts".  As long as we are thinking of our friends and family this year, our presents will please but our presence will surely be the greatest gift.  Here are some ideas for gifts that are more about consideration and less about cold hard cash:
1) Knit Something!
This year I've decided to crochet everybody a scarf for Christmas. Michaels (www.michaels.com )and AC Moore (www.acmoore.com ) have sales throughout the year on yarn and Savers (www.savers.com) often has 8-lb spools for less than a dollar.  The crochet hook (I use a J) is less than two dollars. The hardest part is finding the time to do it so I bring yarn with me everywhere and whenever there is a long line I take out my crochet hook and get to work.  Anybody can do it - Youtube has a multitude of videos on how. 
2) Coupons
When I was young and broke I used to make "Coupon Books" full of free hugs, assistance with making dinner, foot massages and etc.  This year I'm bringing back the childhood trick with coupons for a romantic dinner for two (that I make), a back massage, bringing in the groceries, bringing out the garbage, movie night and etc.  Create your own "gift certificate" on www.vistaprint.com for starting at $5.99.
3) Look for Deals Starting Yesterday!!
Just before Christmas lots of stores put inventory on clearance to make room for holiday goods - take advantage of these sales by stocking up on whatever seems like a good deal.  The idea is to start a "store" in your house and after you've aquired a bunch of different items you can begin figuring out who is going to get what.  I've done this with a few different stores in the area.  Barnes and Noble (www.barnesandnoble.com) had a huge clearance sale and was getting rid of luxury candles for a dollar so I bought every candle that was in good condition and I've had them at my house for nearly a month now. 
4) Serenade with your Talent
If you are a singer Serenade with a personal song.  If you are a poet serenade with a beautiful poem.  If you are an artist draw a picture.  And the list goes on.  The gift's recipient will feel honored that you've thought to share your talent with them. 
5) Quote
Google a bunch of different quotes and find one that suits the person you need to get a gift for.  Write out the quote neatly and beautifully either on a large canvas or on a small peice of paper so they can carry it in their pocket.  Make the presentation beautiful and shocking - this gift will keep on giving and keep the recipient thinking of you whenever they see it. 
6) Second Hand Gifting
I would have never thought to find a Christmas gift at a yard sale or thrift store - but now I think, "why the heck not"?  We pay top dollar for fine antiques and vintage items.  We would not think twice about wrapping up "depression glass" plates and giving them as a Christmas gift - so why not find a gently-used tennis racket and do the same?  Culture tells us we need new and never used - this year lets turn that ideal on its head.  Go out and find an apron for mom, a box of dress-up cloths for your niece, a watch for dad. 
If you're on Long Island check out one of the area's most noted thrift shop establishments, Selden Thrift at 614 Middle Country Road in Selden. 

80 Perecent of Success

Woody Allen once said, "80 percent of success is just showing up."  Or something like that. 
I remember the first time I heard the quote - it wasn't exactly 80 percent but I still got the meaning.  I wasin an advertising class at SUNY New Paltz.  Our professor had been a suit at a big ad firm on Madison Avenue in New York City but seemed to favor leather jackets and motorcylces at his new job.
He had a fervent outlook on life - especially when it came to young people finding their footing in the world.  He delighted us with anecdotes about the "real" working world and what we could expect from our bosses and coworkers.  He warned us about the perils of working with "creative types" (they aren't driven by the bottom line) and CEOs (they're driven by the bottom line).  But the stories and quotes I enjoyed most from him were the ones that reminded us to be active participants in our own lives. 
On our first day of class a girl showed up and asked to be considered for a spot in the class,which was completely full and had not even an extra desk for her to sit at.That's when he said to us, "I'm going to let you in to this class.  I want you all to remember," he said speaking to the entire class now "95 percent of success is just showing up.  She showed up today." He told us that the great Woody Allen had authored the quote.   Our professor would go on to inject Woody Allen's words into his lessons throughout the semester.  He would also continue to remind us that "showing up is half the battle."
I took that quote with me over the past decade and it's meant different things to me at different times.  Now I understand it to mean that showing up is the hardest part and once you've done that the rest will come (or it won't).  Today I showed up.  I went there.  I gave it a shot.  I didn't sit in my car and think about the reasons I shouldn't go in.  I didn't hunt for an excuse to reschedule or cancel altogether.  I don't know if things will pan out because I "showed up" but I do know that both my professor and Woody Allen would be very proud of me today. 

Greatness Within

Gratitude is a state of mind.  We can all achieve a grateful attitude simply - by spending our days counting our blessings and simply ignoring our shortcomings.  The most common way to get into the "grateful state of mind" is to write a gratitude list either right when you wake up or just before you go to bed.  Think of the things in life that make you happy - the things you're grateful for...
I'm grateful that I wake up each morning to play with my beautiful, healthy baby girl.  After accepting that as my fate each day its really difficult to get pissed because there was traffic on the Long Island Expressway or I that I forgot to bring a coupon with me to King Kullen.  Recognizing that my daughter is alive and healthy is the greatest blessing a mother could ever ask for - and I'm grateful.
Some days I'm grateful that I have just enough money in my pocket to buy myself a cup of coffee from Starbucks.  Those are days when even the smallest bit of gratitude will stave off the bitterness of not having "enough".  It works because I'm not thinking of the fact that I can't buy a croissant to go with my Starbucks and am instead grateful that I can afford a cup of coffee when maybe this time last year I couldn't. 
Other days I'm grateful for a beautiful sunset or an hour of warmth on a cold winter day (Thank you Global Warming - I'm grateful for you too!).  Sometimes I'm just grateful to be alive and grateful that the people I love are down here on earth with me. 
After a few weeks of maintaining a gratitude list I've noticed my perception has changed.  I've looked at the circumstances of my life as a "glass half full" type of situation. 
Some friends and I have recently been sharing our gratitude lists with each other and its been very inspirng to see their changes in perspective.  We text each other 5 to 10 things we are grateful for each day, like "a productive conversation with my mother, pay day at work, a day with my family, a close network of friends, a grateful outlook on life."
When I go to sleep in an hour I'll conjure up a list of the ten most excellent things that happened today and title the list, "gratitude list" and the top of the pack is going to be that I sat down and wrote a post for my blog.  Though, my new grateful attitude will get top billing.

A More Simple Life

Remember when life was more simple?  When you enjoyed the small things?  Well, I actually cant.  I think I was born focused on "more, more, more" and "what's next".  But I'm learning to live more simply and I'm recognizing that bountiful is a state of mind. 

I can remember a family trip to Lancaster County in Pennsylvania - the home of the Amish.  It was the summer before I entered fourth grade and my aunt and uncle had just moved there "to live a less hectic life" and escape New York's high taxes as they were both retired and living on a fixed income (more simply). 

To kick off the trip, my aunt took us on a private tour of the town in my dad's trusty Ford Bronco.  We rolled down the windows, and watched the horse and buggies trotting along beside us. My aunt pointed out a group of young children running and laughing in an endless green pasture and told us about what the amish youth do for fun.  "They really enjoy mowing the lawn," she said.
   
"Ha," I laughed.  She couldn't be serious, I thought.  "That's so boring!  Mowing the lawn is a chore," I exclaimed.

A few days into the trip we went to a small grocery store to get a few things and I watched as a boy only a few years older than me worked in his barefeet stacking large sacks of some sort of oat cereal - the amish equivalent to "cheerios" I imagined.  The boy accidently dropped a sac and the "cheerios" spilled.  I felt bad I wanted to help him clean them up.  "This poor boy with his boring life.  Now he's dropped his cheerios," I thought sympathetically.  But I stayed back and watched as he went for a broom and joyously swept the cereal into a pile.  "They really enjoy mowing the lawn," I remembered my aunt saying.   

At the time I had pity for the boy because he didn't know how wonderful it felt to play "donkey kong" or hold a "my buddy" doll on a plastic Fisher Price swing.  Sure, I felt bad for the starving children in Africa - but what about the children in our own back yard?  What about the poor Amish children who mow the lawn for fun because they don't have toys or nintendo or cd's?  My pity was ignorant and ill informed.  I was the one who was bored, who couldn't find the simple fun in sweeping - swirling crumbs and dust and watching as the unfamilial particles magically blend in a pile. 

Things are different now and I'm grateful to have known both a life of luxury and a life of simplicity.  I am by no means Amish, but I am much less material than I used to be.  Before it was not uncommon for me to drop $40 on Laura Mercier's fig body cream or $260 on a red Elie Tahari suit.  Now life has taken me to a place where most things outside of food, shelter and water are a luxury. I'm forced to deal with what I have.  I'm beginning to see that simplicity brings us closer to understanding happiness.  Still, I'll leave the lawnmowing to my father.   

Food for Thought

I've been thinking alot about my relationship with food.  I was overweight as a child, very thin and waiflike as a tween, a consistent yo-yo dieter as a teen and into my adulthood I've been everything in between.  As a youth and even now, I identify with women like Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac and the late Anna Nicole Smith.  Our similarity: constantly fluctuating weight. 
From the age 20 to now at 30 I've been everything from a size 0 to a size 12.  Right now I'm nearly in the middle, at a size 8.  Of course, I would love to lose another 15 or 20 pounds because then, finally I will fit into nicer cloths and my face will look less round and puffy.  But, will weight loss (being skinny) really do anything to make me happier or more contentful as a person? 
I've been thin - many times.  When I think back on those times I was absolutely happy.  Though, I was happy about my weight.  I was happy because I was thin.  The same things that made me sad overweight, made me sad thin.  I realize, I would like to lose weight and be thin for better health BUT I need to create a better relationship with food.
Dieting and denying and allowing and monitoring food intake does little to fix the problem.  In truth, the problem is me.  The problem is needing to search outside of myself for something to make me happy.  The problem is stuffing my face with food to stuff my fears. But also the problem is recognizing that there is a problem -  before its eaten.
A few weeks ago, I made 60 electric-blue iced cupcakes to bring to an event.  When I got there, I had 18 cupcakes.  I'm not quite sure how 42 cupcakes wound up in my stomach that day, but it did indeed happen. 
Then, I found this study by Professor Joseph Schroeder and his students at Connecticut College and now I think of my relationship with food in a whole new way.  The group wanted to shed light onto the addictiveness of high-fat and high-sugar foods by giving lab rats cocaine and oreo cookies.  What they found was that the number of rats who were addicted to cocaine was the same number of rats who kept going for oreo cookies.  Meaning:  the rats were just as addicted to high-fat, high-sugar foods as they were addicted to a highly addictive substance. 
To me, this study proves that stuffing our faces makes us feel good. Not just in the surfacy, superficial sense like reading a poem makes us smile.  Eating foods that are bad for us, makes our brains happy by triggering dopamine and endorphines and all of those other feel good chemicals.  When we are feeling bad, all we want to do is feel good.  So we will continue to stuff and stuff and stuff our faces with oreo cookies and chips ahoy and cheetos and whatever is going to make our endorphines multiply. 
A day after hearing about this study on National Public Radio, I went to the Bayport-Blue Point Library and purchased a twenty-five cent book:  Women Food and God by Geneen Roth.  I love when things happen like that - you want to know more about something and the universe finds its way to explain it to you.  In the book, Roth explians:  "The bottom line, whether you weigh 340 pounds or 150 pounds, is that when you eat you are not hungry, you are using food as a drug, grappling with boredom or illness or loss or grief or emptiness or loneliness or rejection.  Food is only the middleman, the means to the end.  Of altering your emotions. Of making yourself numb. Of creating a secondary problem when the original problem becomes too uncomfortable."
Obviously, this theory can't always be right.  Sometimes we eat because we are just hungry.  Sometimes we like the food.  But when we find ourselves opening up a bag of chips and mindlessly eating, don't wait until the bag is nearly done.  Put the chip down and ask yourself what's really going on.
I am going to try and understand my relationship with food by asking myself why I am eating things.  As for cupcakes, I'm just going to stay far, far away.    

Am I on the right track?

I often ask myself, "Am I on the right track?" or "Am I doing the right thing?"  I think so.  But ME knowing isn't good enough - I want to hear it from somebody else.  So, I second guess myself and reach out to friends and family and ask "Is this right for me?"  I listen and wait for the appropriate response: "Yup.  You're getting it right."
The truth is - no matter how wise another person is and no matter how invested they are in your success - we need to come to this conclusion on our own.  Thankfully, our mind, body and spirit will guide us in the right direction each time.  We just need to listen and act. 
How does our body let us know that what we are doing is right?  Think: gut reaction.  When things are wrong we're overcome with menacing nerves, upset stomach and hesitation.  When things are right we feel elation, success and drive.  Listen to your gut the same way you would listen to advice from a loved one.  The results will be bountiful - especially when your gut reaction takes you away from danger.      
Another way we know we're headed in the right direction is when things "are meant to be."
Over the course of my life, many wise people have told me: "Things that are supposed to happen should come naturally."  In other words we are given what we are supposed to receive.  Don't overanalyze or overwork.  When we work against ourselves its a sign that the situation is not meant to be and the sooner we get rid of it the better off we will be.
A common example of this is: You are absolutely determined to make your marriage work.  Though in reality its crumbling.  You are constantly overanalyzing every conversation and interaction you have with your husband.  Your husband has zero respect for you.  He spends all of his free time with friends.  He wants no part of you.  Sadly, there are so many of us that will continue to try and make this work - but that's so unnatural because this marriage would be a step in the wrong direction.  The right path will be easy to navigate like traveling down a freshly paved, traffic-free straight road.  On the other hand, the wrong path will be nearly impossible to trek through like the thick of the Siberia in winter.  Always let the road to your marriage be walkable!
Now we understand that we need to listen to our gut like its advice from Oprah; and we understand that what's right will come naturally.  Now, can we ask our spirit guide for advice?
I too was not familiar with the term "spirit guide" but I've come to understand that it is the being that is greater than ourselves that will guide us in the right direction.       
As an example, a few days ago I met up with some old friends.  One of these friends has been studying metaphysics for many years and wanted to take us to a small shop in Port Jefferson, where she knows the shop's owner who is a psychic medium and acurately performed a reading on my friend many years ago.
After looking through the healing crystals, incense, candles, metaphysical books and other various witch supplies, my friend brought me to the front of the shop and asked me to pick a deck of cards from a choice of about seven different stacks.  I chose the stack with an illustration of a mermaid and was asked to shuffle the cards.  Before choosing a card at random, my friend told me to think of a question and my spirit guide was supposed to lead me to the correct card.  So I asked:  "Am I going in the right direction?"  I wanted to know if all of the goodness, morality and kindness I am guiding myself with these days is going to lead to prosperity.  Is my goodness going to "payoff" in other words - will I be happy? Will I be able to provide for my daughter?  Will my family accept me?
I chose a card that only said, "giving care." So I picked up the stack's corresponding dictionary and read the cards meaning.  After digesting the information I thought, "thank you spirit guide." Because what the card said was exactly what I needed to hear: I am going down the right direction and I alone am the only one that will know that. 

Book Review: A House in the Sky

In her new book, A House in the Sky journalist and humanitarian Amanda Lindhout (pictured above) digs deep to explain to readers and understand for herself the 460 days she spent in captivity in Somalia after she and her photographer and ex-boyfriend, Nigel Brennan were kidnapped and held for ransom.  With the help of New York Times journalist Sara Corbett, Lindhout tells a poignent and harrowing tale of a young woman who chose to forgive and move forward.
The book follows Lindhout throughout her life, beginning at a very early age when she would escape the violence and poverty of her family-life by purchasing old copies of National Geographic and imagine herself in the exotic locations on the cover and inside the magazine.  At age nineteen Lindhout was able to save up enough money from her job at a swanky Canadian club to purchase a ticket for Venezuala - thus her love for travel began. 
By the time she had landed in Somalia she had already visited 50 countries - Egypt, Jordan, Lebanon, Thailand, Costa Rica, Guatamala, Nicaragua.  Mostly traveling alone, she was a true "backpacker" living modestly on $15 a day in certain countries.  When asked her occupation, she would reply "I'm a traveler."
Though without formal training, Lindhout tried her hand at journalism as an occupation, enticed by the idea that she could make money while still traveling.  She moved to Baghdad, Iraq and worked for an Iranian government-sponsored TV channel but was bothered by the irony of a Canadian woman working for Iranian TV and she eventually quit. 
Growing more fearless in her travels, she decided to launch a freelance journalism career in the worn-torn and unstable African country, Somalia. 
At the time and still now, Somalia is a country rarely covered by Western journalists because it is considered dangerous and lawless; kidnappings are commonplace in Somalia.  Undeterred, Lindhout saw that the lack of other journalists in the country would shrink her competition.  
Before landing in Somalia, Lindhout hired a fixer who would tell her where she could and couldn't go.  Interestingly, the fixer would get his information from phone calls he would make to a network of family and friends around Mogadishu - its said that Somalians love to gossip.  Her fixer also hired a team of body guards to protect her and her ex-boyfriend and photojournalist , Nigel Brennan, who was now along for the ride in order to launch his photography career. 
On their second day in Somalia, the duo was kidnapped just outside of Mogadishu by a gang of AK-47 armed men, who Lindhout would come to know personally as her captors.  There were Jamal and Abdullah among more than a dozen other young men and boys who would guard her, feed her and ultimately abuse her.
Lindhout, as a woman recieved horrible treatment even more horrible than Brennan.  Evenutally they converted to Islam in order to win favor and possibly some sympathy from their captors.  Lindhout's idea was to learn the Koran and use it to try and understand the men's motives.  But their idea backfired and Lindhout and Brennan were separted shortly after they converted as Muslim men and women are not to cohabitate unless they are married or brother and sister. 
Lindhout suffered many hardships in the house including isolation, starvation and sexual assault.  After nearly six months in captivity the duo decided to try and make an escape.  They carved an exit out of their bathroom window and dropped down nearly twelved feet, running quickly and frantically to a nearby mosque, shouting "I am a Muslim.  Help me." But other than the help of a lone woman, they did not recieve any sympathy and were quickly corraled and given back to their captors.  
After their escape, Lindhout was treated even worse.  She began to retreat to her mind and dealt with her pain and isolation by building "A House in the Sky", staircases that would lead her out of Somalia and into her mother's home back in Canada.
Eventaully the ransom was paid and Lindhout and Brennan were both released after 460 days in captivity.
There is so much to be learned from Lindhout in this book.  The main themes are hope, courage and forgivness.  Read the book and you will see what I mean.  Please, pick up a copy soon the stores are running out.  I just went to Barnes and Noble this morning and all of the copies were already gone.  The book can also be purchased on the internet. 
Send me an e-mail or comment.  I would love to discuss this book - it has definately added to the way that I think of things.  Pay special attention to the epilogue, where Lindhout explains all of the wonderful things she is doing with her life now that she is free. 

Jobs to Runaway With

Ever thought of starting over somewhere far, far away?  Like waitressing in a Parisian cafe overlooking the Seine?  I'm often tempted by the idea of packing a few bags and heading to some uncharted territory and beginning my life and career anew there. 
Alas, I've resigned myself to the idea that Long Island, New York is home but that doesn't mean that you can't start your "Phoenix Story" somewhere new.  There are plenty of jobs out there where relocation and extensive travel are just par for the course.  I've highlighted just a few below.  Be sure to send a postcard!  Bon Voyage!

1) Union Organizing - "Union organizers assist workers in gaining union representation at their worksite," according to the American Federation of Labor and Congress of Industrial Organizations' (AFL-CIO) website.  My education about union organization came from the Sally Field movie, "Norma Rae" about a young, single mother who find her voice as shes helping to organize a union at the factory she works at.  The image of picket lines and posters with messages like, "No Contract = No Work" enter my mind when I think of what an organizer does. 
If you believe in the cause, organizing will give you great pleasure even with the $35,000 to $45,000 annual pay.  Travel is perhaps the biggest appeal of the job for our "Phoenixs", as "organizers can expect to travel extensively and may be away from their home/family for weeks at a time and should expect to relocate, at least temporarily," according to the AFL-CIO."
Learn how to become an organizer through the AFL-CIO's Organizing Institute (OI) at www.aflcio.org.

2) TEFL Abroad - Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL) has become a bright idea for many college studies looking to prolong their travels abroad.  A TEFL certificate is not required for teaching english but it does help with job placement.  Also, TEFL is very different than the Spanish or French lessons we had in our American public schools - TEFL students do not speak their native language in class as EVERYTHING is done in English. 
TEFL can be done in almost any country in the world.  I've personally known people who have taught in South Korea, Spain, France, Italy, Uganda and Thailand.  Money, accomodations and job rates depend on the place you are going to.
If this suggestion sparks your fancy visit www.teflcourse.net or www.teflcertificatecourses.com or www.experienceteachingabroad.com to get information on how to get a TEFL certificate and get a job abroad. 
If you aren't feeling a prolonged stay, check out www.vaughantown.com for an amazing (yet short) experience teaching english abroad.  VaughanTown is one of largest english language teaching schools in Spain.  Each semester is culminated with a trip outside of Madrid where students must show off their english language skills with a real english speaker - that's where you come in.  You must cover your own flight over to Spain but everything after that is paid for by VaughanTown in exchange for your english language expertise by way of simple chit chat. 

3) Join the United States Foreign Service
A Foreign Service Officer (FSO) works for the US government to "promote peace, support prosperity, and protect American citizens while advancing the interests of the U.S. abroad," according to the US Department of State's website. 
"The work you’ll do will have an impact on the world. You will be asked to serve at one of any of the more than 265 embassies, consulates and other diplomatic missions in The Americas, Africa, Europe and Eurasia, East Asia and Pacific, Middle East and North Africa, and South Asia. Some of these posts are in difficult and even dangerous environments, but working in them affords great challenges and rewards," according to the US Deparment of States website. 
The Foreign Service is not exactly easy to get in to - but it can be done.  First comes a lengthy online application then if you make it through the application you are asked to take an exam.  If you pass the exam you are interviewed and further vetted until you are finally asked to staff a post somewhere in the world.  Altogether the process could take up to a year.  Studying for the exam is often an applicants hardest mission. 
Bill Fitzgerald, a 24-year FSO vet created a website to help test takers at www.foreignserviceexam.org.  There are even meetup and facebook groups dedicated to helping members pass the FSO exam. 

Tips to Recharge Your Emotional Batteries

Putting our lives back together often makes us feel emotionally and physically drained.  We wake in the morning and do the same thing each day and often feel as though we are getting nowhere.  We will eventually find results in our tireless efforts, so to keep us going on our pursuit towards a better life I propose these "Tip to Recharge Your Emotional Batteries."  I've come up with three that have effectively helped me throughout this process - if you have any other ideas comment on this post. 

1) Increase Psychic Energy with a Trip to NYC
I can remember feeling emotionally drained as an early 20-something and driving down to the Sayville Train Station and sitting there in my car, watching the trains go by.  It relieved much of my sadness because I would think of all of the possibilities and opportunities that NYC has to offer and how I would one day be a part of all of that hustle and bustle.
Though, it isn't just me that finds NYC an apt place to regain composure.  In Susan Pa'iniu Floyd's essay, Psychic Energy she likens NYC's fast-paced chaos to a bottomless energy drink.  She says that psychic energy can be gathered in "any place with high activity or gatherings of people like train stations, concerts, movies, and crowded sidewalks. That's why, when I go to New York City, I can walk around town for days without getting tired." 
To make this concept work just walk around and feed off the positive energy of those around you.

2) Open a Box of Positivity
But first you have to fill it - with everything in the world that makes you happy or that you find lucky or energy generating.  Gather photos of loved ones, notes, ideas, poetry, stickers, a favorite sweater, a lucky rabbit foot.  Then design the outside of the box with magazine cutouts that convey to you positivity, love, light, moving forward and make sure to cutout or write yourself some inspirational words.  Then, whenever you're feeling drained pull out your box.  You will feel an instant kick of energy and happiness by looking at the things that make you happy and give you inspiration.  This technique is taught by parenting professionals to help parents help their children when they are feeling bored or sad.

3) Phone a Friend
The famous line from who wants to be a millionaire also has its bearings in our everyday existance.  You can and should phone a friend to help you through all of life's tough questions - and you should also phone a friend when you're feeling at the end of your rope.  Don't call the "negative nancy"-type of friend that makes you feel downer when your down already.  Call the friend that inspires you - incites you to do more.  I have so many wonderful friends in my life that I can call and it's such a wonderful thing and I know I should take advantage of it more.  If your friend lives far away, like a few of mine do then Skype them or send an e-mail.  Make sure that you are doing your best to inspire these people as much as they inspire you.  Because, just like in tip one - we really all feed off of each other.   


Don't forget about Mom! 

Weekly Insight

Port Jefferson, NY - I've decided to add a new section to this blog.  Whenever possible (in other words, whenever the universe allows) I'm going to ask three questions to a random person who is putting thier life back together.  My hope is that these answers will provide you out there with some insight and inspiration to put into your own rebuilding process.

This interview took place in Port Jefferson, NY at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting with a recovering addict named, *Tony. 

Q:  What advice to you have for someone just beginning to put their life back together?
A:  Stop trying to control everything because control leads to great expectations which leads to great disappointment.

Q:  What is the hardest part about the process of rebuilding your life?
A:  Losing focus of what's really important because you don't see it coming.

Q:  What has been the greatest part of working towards a new life?
A:  Waking up not wanting to die.       

Story of the Phoenix

In rebuilding our lives, it can be said that we are personifying the legend of the Phoenix.  By its mytholical definition, a Phoenix is "a bird in Egyptian mythology that lived in the desert for 500 years and then consumed itself by fire, later to rise renewed from its ashes," according to dictionary.com.  Therefore, the story of the Phoenix is one of renewal and regeneration - which is exactly what we are doing in rebuilding our lives. 
In truth, the Phoenix is a fitting mascot for anybody starting life anew andit has been since way before this blog ever came about.  In Joseph W. Walt's essay, The Story of the Phoenix, he surmises "Thus the phoenix, born of fire out of the ashes, became the symbol of resurrection and eternal life." Today, let's recognize this symbol as OUR symbol of resurrection.  Just like the Phoenix, let us be grateful that we didn't have to perish in order to be reborn.  Whether we are teens or octogenarians, we are babies in our new life.  We have just arisen from the ashes and we are now, slowly becoming comfortable in our own skin again because the familiar old us is dead and gone but

, just like in the Pharrell/Daft Punk song Get Lucky, "Like the legend of the Phoenix all ends with beginnings."

Get By With Help From Friends

Patchogue, NY - The Beatles really had something when they sang about getting "by with a little help from my friends" and whenever I listen to the tune I HAVE to sing along.  Its fun.  Its catchy.  But it also has a great message - especially for anybody who is rebuilding their life. 
Friends are one of life's blessings.  Good ones are there for you when you're up and when you're down.  For this reason, friends are an extremely important of rebuilding our lives.  Think of friends as are our foundation.  They are the people that keep us grounded - calling us out when we get too high or too low. 
Unfortunately, I spent much of my life as an occasional isolationist.  I would isolate when I needed my friends the most - when I was down.  So, I would start feeling low and depressed and as a result I would slowly stop calling friends, stop answering text messages and eventually altogether stop reaching out.  Days, weeks and months would go by and I would remain in my solitude.  I would sparingly answer a friend or a cousin just to get them off of my case about not calling anyone, but then quickly cast the friend or cousin away so that I could continue my cold life in isolation.  I would often think about how lonely I was and how NOBODY in the world understands me and how I just don't connect with people.  I would often put myself down and conclude that I'm not normal.  It was maddening to live in such self pity.  I wanted to get out of my situation and start making friends and reconnecting with the friends I had but at the same time I thorougly enjoyed breaking myself down each day.  Then one day I was broken so badly that I couldn't build myself back up.  I couldn't do it alone but I was an isolationist and I had abandoned all of my family and friends in favor of living alone in solitude. 
That's my story of living in isolation.  But living in isolation could be different for each and every one of us.  I was away from the people I loved in mind body and spirit - maybe you are the type that still attends parties and events but just can't seem to connect with people while you're there.  Any way we dice it, isolating is toxic and it only leads to dispair. 
Today, I dare you to reach out.  Make phone calls, text.  Show up at an event.  Be present in the moment and make connections.  Remember that your friends will be your foundation and we are rebuilding our entire lives so we must make sure that foundation can support us and can keep us grounded.  I'm pictured above with my friend Jean Marie, who I consider to be an important part of my support network.  I call her when times are good and when times are bad and she does the same for me.   

Starting from Scratch

Today I'm reaching out to all people who are starting thier life over.  Those starting life from scratch.  Those starting life from point A.  Whether you are starting over due to a disaster that was out of your control or a disaster of your own making, I commend you for having the courage to start from scratch. 
We aren't babies anymore.  Though at times we feel like we are children because we can't support ourselves; we can't seem to make the right choices; we just can't seem to get our lives in order even though that's what we are trying to do.  Asking for help and asking for support have become hard for us.  But now is the time to accept help and support because without a shoulder to cry on we will isolate and cry by ourselves.  Without that couple of extra dollars in our pocket we won't be able to make ends meet and soon enough we will be at point a again.  Today accept whatever helping hand comes into your life.  Tomorrow you won't regret the help you accepted but you will regret the help you dismissed.
Today I started with a goal.  I encourage you to do the same.  Starting life over starts with a goal or two or three or four.  I have long-term goals and short term goals and I try to accomplish what I can each day.  I accept the fact that I will not see a result today but I know that if I keep chipping away at each of my goals I WILL see a result.  And I believe that when we are doing the right thing and we are going down the path that the universe has paved for us, results will come quickly. 
Starting over is not easy.  But I'm doing it too.  So take this journey with me, accept help, ask for support, start with a goal and measure your success in time.  I know you can do it!  And I believe many of you are on your way to the first step.