A More Simple Life

Remember when life was more simple?  When you enjoyed the small things?  Well, I actually cant.  I think I was born focused on "more, more, more" and "what's next".  But I'm learning to live more simply and I'm recognizing that bountiful is a state of mind. 

I can remember a family trip to Lancaster County in Pennsylvania - the home of the Amish.  It was the summer before I entered fourth grade and my aunt and uncle had just moved there "to live a less hectic life" and escape New York's high taxes as they were both retired and living on a fixed income (more simply). 

To kick off the trip, my aunt took us on a private tour of the town in my dad's trusty Ford Bronco.  We rolled down the windows, and watched the horse and buggies trotting along beside us. My aunt pointed out a group of young children running and laughing in an endless green pasture and told us about what the amish youth do for fun.  "They really enjoy mowing the lawn," she said.
   
"Ha," I laughed.  She couldn't be serious, I thought.  "That's so boring!  Mowing the lawn is a chore," I exclaimed.

A few days into the trip we went to a small grocery store to get a few things and I watched as a boy only a few years older than me worked in his barefeet stacking large sacks of some sort of oat cereal - the amish equivalent to "cheerios" I imagined.  The boy accidently dropped a sac and the "cheerios" spilled.  I felt bad I wanted to help him clean them up.  "This poor boy with his boring life.  Now he's dropped his cheerios," I thought sympathetically.  But I stayed back and watched as he went for a broom and joyously swept the cereal into a pile.  "They really enjoy mowing the lawn," I remembered my aunt saying.   

At the time I had pity for the boy because he didn't know how wonderful it felt to play "donkey kong" or hold a "my buddy" doll on a plastic Fisher Price swing.  Sure, I felt bad for the starving children in Africa - but what about the children in our own back yard?  What about the poor Amish children who mow the lawn for fun because they don't have toys or nintendo or cd's?  My pity was ignorant and ill informed.  I was the one who was bored, who couldn't find the simple fun in sweeping - swirling crumbs and dust and watching as the unfamilial particles magically blend in a pile. 

Things are different now and I'm grateful to have known both a life of luxury and a life of simplicity.  I am by no means Amish, but I am much less material than I used to be.  Before it was not uncommon for me to drop $40 on Laura Mercier's fig body cream or $260 on a red Elie Tahari suit.  Now life has taken me to a place where most things outside of food, shelter and water are a luxury. I'm forced to deal with what I have.  I'm beginning to see that simplicity brings us closer to understanding happiness.  Still, I'll leave the lawnmowing to my father.   

Food for Thought

I've been thinking alot about my relationship with food.  I was overweight as a child, very thin and waiflike as a tween, a consistent yo-yo dieter as a teen and into my adulthood I've been everything in between.  As a youth and even now, I identify with women like Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac and the late Anna Nicole Smith.  Our similarity: constantly fluctuating weight. 
From the age 20 to now at 30 I've been everything from a size 0 to a size 12.  Right now I'm nearly in the middle, at a size 8.  Of course, I would love to lose another 15 or 20 pounds because then, finally I will fit into nicer cloths and my face will look less round and puffy.  But, will weight loss (being skinny) really do anything to make me happier or more contentful as a person? 
I've been thin - many times.  When I think back on those times I was absolutely happy.  Though, I was happy about my weight.  I was happy because I was thin.  The same things that made me sad overweight, made me sad thin.  I realize, I would like to lose weight and be thin for better health BUT I need to create a better relationship with food.
Dieting and denying and allowing and monitoring food intake does little to fix the problem.  In truth, the problem is me.  The problem is needing to search outside of myself for something to make me happy.  The problem is stuffing my face with food to stuff my fears. But also the problem is recognizing that there is a problem -  before its eaten.
A few weeks ago, I made 60 electric-blue iced cupcakes to bring to an event.  When I got there, I had 18 cupcakes.  I'm not quite sure how 42 cupcakes wound up in my stomach that day, but it did indeed happen. 
Then, I found this study by Professor Joseph Schroeder and his students at Connecticut College and now I think of my relationship with food in a whole new way.  The group wanted to shed light onto the addictiveness of high-fat and high-sugar foods by giving lab rats cocaine and oreo cookies.  What they found was that the number of rats who were addicted to cocaine was the same number of rats who kept going for oreo cookies.  Meaning:  the rats were just as addicted to high-fat, high-sugar foods as they were addicted to a highly addictive substance. 
To me, this study proves that stuffing our faces makes us feel good. Not just in the surfacy, superficial sense like reading a poem makes us smile.  Eating foods that are bad for us, makes our brains happy by triggering dopamine and endorphines and all of those other feel good chemicals.  When we are feeling bad, all we want to do is feel good.  So we will continue to stuff and stuff and stuff our faces with oreo cookies and chips ahoy and cheetos and whatever is going to make our endorphines multiply. 
A day after hearing about this study on National Public Radio, I went to the Bayport-Blue Point Library and purchased a twenty-five cent book:  Women Food and God by Geneen Roth.  I love when things happen like that - you want to know more about something and the universe finds its way to explain it to you.  In the book, Roth explians:  "The bottom line, whether you weigh 340 pounds or 150 pounds, is that when you eat you are not hungry, you are using food as a drug, grappling with boredom or illness or loss or grief or emptiness or loneliness or rejection.  Food is only the middleman, the means to the end.  Of altering your emotions. Of making yourself numb. Of creating a secondary problem when the original problem becomes too uncomfortable."
Obviously, this theory can't always be right.  Sometimes we eat because we are just hungry.  Sometimes we like the food.  But when we find ourselves opening up a bag of chips and mindlessly eating, don't wait until the bag is nearly done.  Put the chip down and ask yourself what's really going on.
I am going to try and understand my relationship with food by asking myself why I am eating things.  As for cupcakes, I'm just going to stay far, far away.    

Am I on the right track?

I often ask myself, "Am I on the right track?" or "Am I doing the right thing?"  I think so.  But ME knowing isn't good enough - I want to hear it from somebody else.  So, I second guess myself and reach out to friends and family and ask "Is this right for me?"  I listen and wait for the appropriate response: "Yup.  You're getting it right."
The truth is - no matter how wise another person is and no matter how invested they are in your success - we need to come to this conclusion on our own.  Thankfully, our mind, body and spirit will guide us in the right direction each time.  We just need to listen and act. 
How does our body let us know that what we are doing is right?  Think: gut reaction.  When things are wrong we're overcome with menacing nerves, upset stomach and hesitation.  When things are right we feel elation, success and drive.  Listen to your gut the same way you would listen to advice from a loved one.  The results will be bountiful - especially when your gut reaction takes you away from danger.      
Another way we know we're headed in the right direction is when things "are meant to be."
Over the course of my life, many wise people have told me: "Things that are supposed to happen should come naturally."  In other words we are given what we are supposed to receive.  Don't overanalyze or overwork.  When we work against ourselves its a sign that the situation is not meant to be and the sooner we get rid of it the better off we will be.
A common example of this is: You are absolutely determined to make your marriage work.  Though in reality its crumbling.  You are constantly overanalyzing every conversation and interaction you have with your husband.  Your husband has zero respect for you.  He spends all of his free time with friends.  He wants no part of you.  Sadly, there are so many of us that will continue to try and make this work - but that's so unnatural because this marriage would be a step in the wrong direction.  The right path will be easy to navigate like traveling down a freshly paved, traffic-free straight road.  On the other hand, the wrong path will be nearly impossible to trek through like the thick of the Siberia in winter.  Always let the road to your marriage be walkable!
Now we understand that we need to listen to our gut like its advice from Oprah; and we understand that what's right will come naturally.  Now, can we ask our spirit guide for advice?
I too was not familiar with the term "spirit guide" but I've come to understand that it is the being that is greater than ourselves that will guide us in the right direction.       
As an example, a few days ago I met up with some old friends.  One of these friends has been studying metaphysics for many years and wanted to take us to a small shop in Port Jefferson, where she knows the shop's owner who is a psychic medium and acurately performed a reading on my friend many years ago.
After looking through the healing crystals, incense, candles, metaphysical books and other various witch supplies, my friend brought me to the front of the shop and asked me to pick a deck of cards from a choice of about seven different stacks.  I chose the stack with an illustration of a mermaid and was asked to shuffle the cards.  Before choosing a card at random, my friend told me to think of a question and my spirit guide was supposed to lead me to the correct card.  So I asked:  "Am I going in the right direction?"  I wanted to know if all of the goodness, morality and kindness I am guiding myself with these days is going to lead to prosperity.  Is my goodness going to "payoff" in other words - will I be happy? Will I be able to provide for my daughter?  Will my family accept me?
I chose a card that only said, "giving care." So I picked up the stack's corresponding dictionary and read the cards meaning.  After digesting the information I thought, "thank you spirit guide." Because what the card said was exactly what I needed to hear: I am going down the right direction and I alone am the only one that will know that. 

Book Review: A House in the Sky

In her new book, A House in the Sky journalist and humanitarian Amanda Lindhout (pictured above) digs deep to explain to readers and understand for herself the 460 days she spent in captivity in Somalia after she and her photographer and ex-boyfriend, Nigel Brennan were kidnapped and held for ransom.  With the help of New York Times journalist Sara Corbett, Lindhout tells a poignent and harrowing tale of a young woman who chose to forgive and move forward.
The book follows Lindhout throughout her life, beginning at a very early age when she would escape the violence and poverty of her family-life by purchasing old copies of National Geographic and imagine herself in the exotic locations on the cover and inside the magazine.  At age nineteen Lindhout was able to save up enough money from her job at a swanky Canadian club to purchase a ticket for Venezuala - thus her love for travel began. 
By the time she had landed in Somalia she had already visited 50 countries - Egypt, Jordan, Lebanon, Thailand, Costa Rica, Guatamala, Nicaragua.  Mostly traveling alone, she was a true "backpacker" living modestly on $15 a day in certain countries.  When asked her occupation, she would reply "I'm a traveler."
Though without formal training, Lindhout tried her hand at journalism as an occupation, enticed by the idea that she could make money while still traveling.  She moved to Baghdad, Iraq and worked for an Iranian government-sponsored TV channel but was bothered by the irony of a Canadian woman working for Iranian TV and she eventually quit. 
Growing more fearless in her travels, she decided to launch a freelance journalism career in the worn-torn and unstable African country, Somalia. 
At the time and still now, Somalia is a country rarely covered by Western journalists because it is considered dangerous and lawless; kidnappings are commonplace in Somalia.  Undeterred, Lindhout saw that the lack of other journalists in the country would shrink her competition.  
Before landing in Somalia, Lindhout hired a fixer who would tell her where she could and couldn't go.  Interestingly, the fixer would get his information from phone calls he would make to a network of family and friends around Mogadishu - its said that Somalians love to gossip.  Her fixer also hired a team of body guards to protect her and her ex-boyfriend and photojournalist , Nigel Brennan, who was now along for the ride in order to launch his photography career. 
On their second day in Somalia, the duo was kidnapped just outside of Mogadishu by a gang of AK-47 armed men, who Lindhout would come to know personally as her captors.  There were Jamal and Abdullah among more than a dozen other young men and boys who would guard her, feed her and ultimately abuse her.
Lindhout, as a woman recieved horrible treatment even more horrible than Brennan.  Evenutally they converted to Islam in order to win favor and possibly some sympathy from their captors.  Lindhout's idea was to learn the Koran and use it to try and understand the men's motives.  But their idea backfired and Lindhout and Brennan were separted shortly after they converted as Muslim men and women are not to cohabitate unless they are married or brother and sister. 
Lindhout suffered many hardships in the house including isolation, starvation and sexual assault.  After nearly six months in captivity the duo decided to try and make an escape.  They carved an exit out of their bathroom window and dropped down nearly twelved feet, running quickly and frantically to a nearby mosque, shouting "I am a Muslim.  Help me." But other than the help of a lone woman, they did not recieve any sympathy and were quickly corraled and given back to their captors.  
After their escape, Lindhout was treated even worse.  She began to retreat to her mind and dealt with her pain and isolation by building "A House in the Sky", staircases that would lead her out of Somalia and into her mother's home back in Canada.
Eventaully the ransom was paid and Lindhout and Brennan were both released after 460 days in captivity.
There is so much to be learned from Lindhout in this book.  The main themes are hope, courage and forgivness.  Read the book and you will see what I mean.  Please, pick up a copy soon the stores are running out.  I just went to Barnes and Noble this morning and all of the copies were already gone.  The book can also be purchased on the internet. 
Send me an e-mail or comment.  I would love to discuss this book - it has definately added to the way that I think of things.  Pay special attention to the epilogue, where Lindhout explains all of the wonderful things she is doing with her life now that she is free. 

Jobs to Runaway With

Ever thought of starting over somewhere far, far away?  Like waitressing in a Parisian cafe overlooking the Seine?  I'm often tempted by the idea of packing a few bags and heading to some uncharted territory and beginning my life and career anew there. 
Alas, I've resigned myself to the idea that Long Island, New York is home but that doesn't mean that you can't start your "Phoenix Story" somewhere new.  There are plenty of jobs out there where relocation and extensive travel are just par for the course.  I've highlighted just a few below.  Be sure to send a postcard!  Bon Voyage!

1) Union Organizing - "Union organizers assist workers in gaining union representation at their worksite," according to the American Federation of Labor and Congress of Industrial Organizations' (AFL-CIO) website.  My education about union organization came from the Sally Field movie, "Norma Rae" about a young, single mother who find her voice as shes helping to organize a union at the factory she works at.  The image of picket lines and posters with messages like, "No Contract = No Work" enter my mind when I think of what an organizer does. 
If you believe in the cause, organizing will give you great pleasure even with the $35,000 to $45,000 annual pay.  Travel is perhaps the biggest appeal of the job for our "Phoenixs", as "organizers can expect to travel extensively and may be away from their home/family for weeks at a time and should expect to relocate, at least temporarily," according to the AFL-CIO."
Learn how to become an organizer through the AFL-CIO's Organizing Institute (OI) at www.aflcio.org.

2) TEFL Abroad - Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL) has become a bright idea for many college studies looking to prolong their travels abroad.  A TEFL certificate is not required for teaching english but it does help with job placement.  Also, TEFL is very different than the Spanish or French lessons we had in our American public schools - TEFL students do not speak their native language in class as EVERYTHING is done in English. 
TEFL can be done in almost any country in the world.  I've personally known people who have taught in South Korea, Spain, France, Italy, Uganda and Thailand.  Money, accomodations and job rates depend on the place you are going to.
If this suggestion sparks your fancy visit www.teflcourse.net or www.teflcertificatecourses.com or www.experienceteachingabroad.com to get information on how to get a TEFL certificate and get a job abroad. 
If you aren't feeling a prolonged stay, check out www.vaughantown.com for an amazing (yet short) experience teaching english abroad.  VaughanTown is one of largest english language teaching schools in Spain.  Each semester is culminated with a trip outside of Madrid where students must show off their english language skills with a real english speaker - that's where you come in.  You must cover your own flight over to Spain but everything after that is paid for by VaughanTown in exchange for your english language expertise by way of simple chit chat. 

3) Join the United States Foreign Service
A Foreign Service Officer (FSO) works for the US government to "promote peace, support prosperity, and protect American citizens while advancing the interests of the U.S. abroad," according to the US Department of State's website. 
"The work you’ll do will have an impact on the world. You will be asked to serve at one of any of the more than 265 embassies, consulates and other diplomatic missions in The Americas, Africa, Europe and Eurasia, East Asia and Pacific, Middle East and North Africa, and South Asia. Some of these posts are in difficult and even dangerous environments, but working in them affords great challenges and rewards," according to the US Deparment of States website. 
The Foreign Service is not exactly easy to get in to - but it can be done.  First comes a lengthy online application then if you make it through the application you are asked to take an exam.  If you pass the exam you are interviewed and further vetted until you are finally asked to staff a post somewhere in the world.  Altogether the process could take up to a year.  Studying for the exam is often an applicants hardest mission. 
Bill Fitzgerald, a 24-year FSO vet created a website to help test takers at www.foreignserviceexam.org.  There are even meetup and facebook groups dedicated to helping members pass the FSO exam. 

Tips to Recharge Your Emotional Batteries

Putting our lives back together often makes us feel emotionally and physically drained.  We wake in the morning and do the same thing each day and often feel as though we are getting nowhere.  We will eventually find results in our tireless efforts, so to keep us going on our pursuit towards a better life I propose these "Tip to Recharge Your Emotional Batteries."  I've come up with three that have effectively helped me throughout this process - if you have any other ideas comment on this post. 

1) Increase Psychic Energy with a Trip to NYC
I can remember feeling emotionally drained as an early 20-something and driving down to the Sayville Train Station and sitting there in my car, watching the trains go by.  It relieved much of my sadness because I would think of all of the possibilities and opportunities that NYC has to offer and how I would one day be a part of all of that hustle and bustle.
Though, it isn't just me that finds NYC an apt place to regain composure.  In Susan Pa'iniu Floyd's essay, Psychic Energy she likens NYC's fast-paced chaos to a bottomless energy drink.  She says that psychic energy can be gathered in "any place with high activity or gatherings of people like train stations, concerts, movies, and crowded sidewalks. That's why, when I go to New York City, I can walk around town for days without getting tired." 
To make this concept work just walk around and feed off the positive energy of those around you.

2) Open a Box of Positivity
But first you have to fill it - with everything in the world that makes you happy or that you find lucky or energy generating.  Gather photos of loved ones, notes, ideas, poetry, stickers, a favorite sweater, a lucky rabbit foot.  Then design the outside of the box with magazine cutouts that convey to you positivity, love, light, moving forward and make sure to cutout or write yourself some inspirational words.  Then, whenever you're feeling drained pull out your box.  You will feel an instant kick of energy and happiness by looking at the things that make you happy and give you inspiration.  This technique is taught by parenting professionals to help parents help their children when they are feeling bored or sad.

3) Phone a Friend
The famous line from who wants to be a millionaire also has its bearings in our everyday existance.  You can and should phone a friend to help you through all of life's tough questions - and you should also phone a friend when you're feeling at the end of your rope.  Don't call the "negative nancy"-type of friend that makes you feel downer when your down already.  Call the friend that inspires you - incites you to do more.  I have so many wonderful friends in my life that I can call and it's such a wonderful thing and I know I should take advantage of it more.  If your friend lives far away, like a few of mine do then Skype them or send an e-mail.  Make sure that you are doing your best to inspire these people as much as they inspire you.  Because, just like in tip one - we really all feed off of each other.   


Don't forget about Mom! 

Weekly Insight

Port Jefferson, NY - I've decided to add a new section to this blog.  Whenever possible (in other words, whenever the universe allows) I'm going to ask three questions to a random person who is putting thier life back together.  My hope is that these answers will provide you out there with some insight and inspiration to put into your own rebuilding process.

This interview took place in Port Jefferson, NY at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting with a recovering addict named, *Tony. 

Q:  What advice to you have for someone just beginning to put their life back together?
A:  Stop trying to control everything because control leads to great expectations which leads to great disappointment.

Q:  What is the hardest part about the process of rebuilding your life?
A:  Losing focus of what's really important because you don't see it coming.

Q:  What has been the greatest part of working towards a new life?
A:  Waking up not wanting to die.       

Story of the Phoenix

In rebuilding our lives, it can be said that we are personifying the legend of the Phoenix.  By its mytholical definition, a Phoenix is "a bird in Egyptian mythology that lived in the desert for 500 years and then consumed itself by fire, later to rise renewed from its ashes," according to dictionary.com.  Therefore, the story of the Phoenix is one of renewal and regeneration - which is exactly what we are doing in rebuilding our lives. 
In truth, the Phoenix is a fitting mascot for anybody starting life anew andit has been since way before this blog ever came about.  In Joseph W. Walt's essay, The Story of the Phoenix, he surmises "Thus the phoenix, born of fire out of the ashes, became the symbol of resurrection and eternal life." Today, let's recognize this symbol as OUR symbol of resurrection.  Just like the Phoenix, let us be grateful that we didn't have to perish in order to be reborn.  Whether we are teens or octogenarians, we are babies in our new life.  We have just arisen from the ashes and we are now, slowly becoming comfortable in our own skin again because the familiar old us is dead and gone but

, just like in the Pharrell/Daft Punk song Get Lucky, "Like the legend of the Phoenix all ends with beginnings."

Get By With Help From Friends

Patchogue, NY - The Beatles really had something when they sang about getting "by with a little help from my friends" and whenever I listen to the tune I HAVE to sing along.  Its fun.  Its catchy.  But it also has a great message - especially for anybody who is rebuilding their life. 
Friends are one of life's blessings.  Good ones are there for you when you're up and when you're down.  For this reason, friends are an extremely important of rebuilding our lives.  Think of friends as are our foundation.  They are the people that keep us grounded - calling us out when we get too high or too low. 
Unfortunately, I spent much of my life as an occasional isolationist.  I would isolate when I needed my friends the most - when I was down.  So, I would start feeling low and depressed and as a result I would slowly stop calling friends, stop answering text messages and eventually altogether stop reaching out.  Days, weeks and months would go by and I would remain in my solitude.  I would sparingly answer a friend or a cousin just to get them off of my case about not calling anyone, but then quickly cast the friend or cousin away so that I could continue my cold life in isolation.  I would often think about how lonely I was and how NOBODY in the world understands me and how I just don't connect with people.  I would often put myself down and conclude that I'm not normal.  It was maddening to live in such self pity.  I wanted to get out of my situation and start making friends and reconnecting with the friends I had but at the same time I thorougly enjoyed breaking myself down each day.  Then one day I was broken so badly that I couldn't build myself back up.  I couldn't do it alone but I was an isolationist and I had abandoned all of my family and friends in favor of living alone in solitude. 
That's my story of living in isolation.  But living in isolation could be different for each and every one of us.  I was away from the people I loved in mind body and spirit - maybe you are the type that still attends parties and events but just can't seem to connect with people while you're there.  Any way we dice it, isolating is toxic and it only leads to dispair. 
Today, I dare you to reach out.  Make phone calls, text.  Show up at an event.  Be present in the moment and make connections.  Remember that your friends will be your foundation and we are rebuilding our entire lives so we must make sure that foundation can support us and can keep us grounded.  I'm pictured above with my friend Jean Marie, who I consider to be an important part of my support network.  I call her when times are good and when times are bad and she does the same for me.